Update…or just plain, “Dad-gum!”

Good morning my friends! How is everybody? Deb and I hope everyone is well, and feelin’ like a “million bucks” this morning!

Our column has been much more sporadic this past week, and we apologize to all for this. Man, it has been just a crazy last couple of weeks, BUT, things now seem to be much, much better! Thanks again for all your support and prayers.

Anyway…

Last week , actually the last part of the previous week, the chemo was kicking Deb’s butt. Two to three days of feeling really I guess, just plain terrible.

This passed to an extent, but she continued to complain, not whine, as she’s anything but a whiner, but she was stating she was not thinking coherently. And it was obvious this was the case…she kept calling me by an old boyfriend of hers name! Not really, I just thought it may be kinda’ cute throwing that in there.

But in reality, the chemo has REALLY drug her down. We knew this was probably going to be the case, but she did so well, the first 10-12 days, it kinda took us aback.

Well, this past Thursday, she was experiencing terrible stomach and back pains. The Doctor had explained to us very clearly that if she was experiencing any type of body changes, or different pains, high temperature, etc., call them ASAP.

So, she did. Well it takes 4-5 hours for a return call, and when they called back and she explained what was going on, they had to relay this to the Doctor, AND, they’d call us back again. When they did, they explained to her that they’d set up some tests to be run at the hospital here in Haines City, and to get there as quickly as possible, and have these tests run.

The reasoning….possible blood clots in her lungs, due to chemo.

We take off up there, get her checked in and were then told the technician was on the way. Well, in another 30 minutes or so he arrives, and they get started on Deb.

As you know from our last column, “It Doesn’t Take Brains…to be a boss,” I was having problems with my digestive system….BAD, and this had continued to be the case.

So ole’ Dub decides, well, we got ole Deb getting squared away, shoot, I’m gonna’ check myself in too! So, here we are, two old fogies in the dern emergency room getting treatment for different problems…at the same dern time!

The dad-gum hospital staff thought this a hoot! I gotta’ say, Deb and I saw no humor in any of it!

I have a hernia in my navel, and have had it for years. I possibly thought this may be at the root at my problem, but found out shortly it wasn’t.

The Doctor came in to see me. People, this was a girl who well could have been my dern granddaughter, but thinking about this while writing today, I guess she actually could’ve been…if I’d of starting having sex at 10…instead of 12! Jus’ kiddin’, Mississippi!

Anyway, she says she wants a cat scan. I asked how long that would take? She says…a while. I say nope, my wife is having one run now, and why she was, and I told her just help me out best she can, cause I wanted to be where if Deb needed me, I could get there.

She goes, “Your wife is in here now as well?” I told her that, “Yeah, we were just driving around, looked and the outside of this place was beginning to look a little shabby. So, Deb and I thought, hell, let’s go check ourselves in together, drop 10-15 thousand dollars, and see if you guys can’t get a fresh coat a paint slapped on the outside of this place! Dern if we weren’t tired of driving by and the place lookin’ run down, especially with us living here in town too!”

She just said take off your shirt, and let me check out the hernia. Actually, after hearing my explanation as to why Deb and I were here at the same time, I believe she was taking great pleasure in pushing on my hernia!

After a minute, she says, “Do you know your hernia goes in and out?” I say, “Yes ma’am.” Like I said, she was enjoying causing me bodily pain at this point, so I decided “Yes ma’am” was by the way, the most APPROPRIATE way to speak to this fine upstanding young lady! At least until I got up off that bed, and back up on my feet!

She then stated that this was kinda’ unusual, as once they protrude out, then they don’t want to go back in, and since mine would, then she felt certain that this was not my problem. She then stated that IF mine ever wouldn’t go back in, then to come back, because this is restricting the blood flow, thus causing other problems.

I told her, “Yes, ma’am, thank you ma’am, and that I called my hernia, my little prairie dog, cause he’ll poke his head up a while, then once he’s checked everything out, shoot, he’ll just pop back down the hole.” I think about half way through my prairie dog description, she’d already tuned me out. Women!

But, what they did was run four x-rays on me, and I then waited on the results. About 30 minutes later the Doctor comes back in and tells me that there is no blockage, I’m just, well, I’m tryin’ to come up with a nice way of sayin’ this, but I don’t think there is a nice way. So, with this being the case, she told me I was constipated?? Shoot, Deb’s been telling me that for years, but she always phrased it differently!

She asks me how long have I been like this, and I told her a week, but it felt more like a month at least. She then says she has something that will help. I asked, “Are you sure?” She tells me without a doubt.

People, I swear I couldn’t contain my joy, and just grabbed her and started hugging her neck! I WAS ECSTATIC!!

She says, once you get home, drink this bottle of Magnesium Citrate Oral(PHEW!) Solution. Again, once you get home.

I then told her, “Look, I’m still waiting on Deb, why don’t I sit out there in the lobby, and just sip on it a while?” You ought to have seen her expression!

She said, “Absolutely not, wait until you GET HOME!” Of course I understood what she was saying the first go around, but I thought, shoot, you kinda’ acted like you were enjoyin’ shoving on my dern hernia a while back.

So, I just thought to myself, you know, I believe I’ll just drink this stuff down, use the restroom closest to her station, and enjoy this little bit of “pay back.” But, my conscious just wouldn’t allow it.

I go on to the waiting room and about 45 minutes later, here comes ole’ Deb, grinning like a possum eatin’…well, you know the rest of this statement.

She tells me she checked out 100% clean of blood clots! Thank you one more time Lord!

I grabbed her by the hand, load her in the truck and say, let’s get going. She asked why the big hurry? I tell her that evidently me, the commode, and the huntin’ and fishin’ magazines had a big night planned!

Let me tell you guys something. You wanna keep a six-pack in the fridge? Well, in my humble opinion, this sure could come in handy from time to time! In regards to what they do for you…Bud don’t stand a chance! It ain’t even close!

I have one final thing to tell you guys this morning. The Florida Georgia football rivalry is about to close to war as you can get. Nothing makes me any happier on a fall afternoon than watching my Gators, just slap a knot on the heads of them dern Dawgs, but even though my experience after getting back home from the hospital wasn’t quite AS FULFILLING as whippin’ up on them Dawgs…it sure was MIGHTY CLOSE!! Go Gators!

Well, I hope you guys enjoyed the column today, and yes, our lives are back to normal one more time! Thank you for coming back to visit with us again, and God Bless you all!

As Deb likes to say, “Keep a smile on your face, and one in your heart!

Dub and Deb