Good morning guys! I hope this finds everyone doing very well.
Well, let’s try this…I’m back, once more.
I gotta tell you guys that the loss of a spouse has been much, much tougher than I would ever have imagined.
It’s been as if I just couldn’t shake it??
I’d feel better, only to realize once more, that I was nowhere near where I should be in regards to my life. Up and down, up and down. Good days, bad days…
Where’s normal, I’d ask myself?
Will I ever BE normal again?
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out just where I was at, and even worse, how to get back to this…this…thing known as normal?
I’ve talked to countless friends who’ve experienced this same thing, and every one of them have tried to express the time involved, the effort involved, the emptiness, the “firsts” that come around that you have to deal with.
Birthdays, holidays, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, etc., etc…
My last post, about a month ago, I thought I was beginning to FINALLY get things together again, only to slip once more, into some type of funk??
I don’t know any other way to describe it…just some type of funk.
I have a friend who’d told me of her coming home in the evening, locking the doors, pulling down the blinds, keeping the house dark where people would think her not home, or in bed.
She just couldn’t, or didn’t, want to deal with them.
Pretty awful stuff there…not wanting to deal with friends or family, huh?
I been there, and done that. Still do to an extent.
Not by sitting in the dark with the lights out, or the blinds pulled sort of thing…
Myself, I just locked the dern gate, hung up a “NO TRESPASSIN” sign, that also states…
SURVIVOR’S WILL BE PROSECUTED!! LOL!
Another good friend I spoke with just a week or so ago, who, while talking with me, suddenly broke down, and began explaining, probably sharing being the better word here, of her love for her husband.
Man…it was literally heartbreaking guys! It touched me so completely listening to her, that it was mind boggling!
BUT…it was so inspiring at the same time to me, to just sit back and listen to another, tell me of her total love, that she STILL has for her husband.
This love, these two ladies feel, was exactly the same type of love that Deb and I had, and I know that there are so many out there, although married, and many, for years and years, who, unfortunately, have never known the type of love that we’ve shared.
Again, to sit back and listen to someone share this with me is just awesome!
It truly blesses me for someone to care enough about me to share, or confide in me, in such a way.
You can tell, right off the bat, the sincerity in their hearts, the conviction they still have, and the most meaningful to me…their expression of love!
I’ve come to understand as well, that the grief that people have, is really not the same.
But I’ve also come to see firsthand that many of these same people, when speaking of the loss of their spouse, talk about…
Honestly, I’m one for sure, who can attest to this as well.
I do not think that I could have dealt with Deb’s loss without God’s help.
I mean, we did EVERYTHING together. We even bathed together…
Not really…but it wasn’t cause I didn’t want too! LOL!
But we actually did do most everything together. Good night, we were so blessed, Deb and I.
Fortunately through, I got to see this love that God has for us, through Debbie. I’m telling you guys, I saw it daily…every single day!
She never doubted, not for one minute, that all this she was going through was simply, a plan…God’s plan.
The night we sat in the swing on the porch for our last time, she told me, “You know Doug, I’m ready, if God’s ready for me. I know where I’m going, and I want to see heaven.”
“I want to see my Mama and Daddy again. It’s been a long, long time since my Daddy has called me… “Little Bit.”
“The only problem that I think I might have is… I’ll miss my family here. This is my only drawback…”
How could I not have seen where this was going, but I swear, I didn’t. I only thought she was probably just having a bad day, and in a day or two, shoot, she’d be “up and at em,” once again. She always did before??
Things really are starting to get much better, finally…
I was on the porch last Friday evening, and thinking about this very thing…this funk that I just seemed to not be able to simply shake off.
I’m telling you guys, I’m NOT this type of guy that gets down, and has a dern “pity party!”
Yet, I could not seem to set things straight, from a mental standpoint. It’s by far, the most confused I’ve ever been in my entire life, and to be honest…
I’m SICK of it!
On top of that, I decided right then, that I’m through with it too!
I’ve never been one to have to jot things down to remember what to do. I’ve just always knew.
Priorities always seemed to just fall first on my mental list, and as the day progressed, I’d finish up with things that weren’t quite so important.
It was just always the way I did things.
BUT, those days are gone, at least for the time being, and it’s quite evident of this being simply, the way it is, this not being able to focus.
SO, I looked back and put quite a bit of thought into this thing I call…funk.
Then I remembered, a very, very close friend of mine, Ronnie, whom Deb nicknamed, “Turtle.”.
The reasoning for “Turtle,” was simply Ronnie drove his dern truck so slowly, even with the windows down…his hair didn’t blow!
That dern Ronnie made a list of things he wanted to get accomplished the next day. As the day progressed, he simply checked this particular chore, or errand off the list.
I used to tease him constantly, “Oh man, I just do em. I don’t need a dern list.”
He’d just grin, that possum eatin something or other grin he had, and tell me that he just couldn’t remember everything like he once had…this list saw to it that he got what he needed to get done…done.
Saturday…I had a list!
You know what guys…ole Ronnie was right on.
Although only just a few days into this, the benefit I’ve received from it is already proving to be very beneficial. This list allows me to stay focused on a project until I’m through with it.
Then, I check it off the dern list!
I’ve not been able to, since Deb’s passing, to stay focused most times.
I see good things happening once again.
God Bless my ole friend…Ronnie!
Ya came through in the clutch, buddy!
THANK ya friend!
I truly believe that my memory, and my ability to get things right, and to stay focused, will return one day.
But, if not…
I got my list!
I really want to start posting again guys, and one reason for this post today is I wanted you to know that I had still been struggling a little. Hopefully now, I’m getting back on “the good foot,” once again!
I’ve missed you all…
BUT, you’re now…on MY list! LOL!
You all have been a great support to me, and good night a livin, in Deb’s regard, you all touched our hearts to the core!
Each and every one of you, are a blessing from God.
I mean that from my heart!
Thanks for everything, God Bless, and be sure to, “Keep a smile on your face, and one in your heart!”
Dub and Deb