Rise and shine guys, it’s time for another Ridin’ Out the Recession! We’d like to welcome you back this morning and tell you once again…THANKS FOR COMING!
Deb and I’ve been really blessed in this endeavor by getting to know, and associate with so many good people! Once more…you guys are just great! We absolutely love doing this, and through your help, hopefully we’ve done someone, somewhere a little good.
What to talk about with you guys today…how about a little story? The “tale” this morning, is one I heard years ago, and I thought it to be hilarious! I hope you guys enjoy it too.
Tommy was about 9 years old, and lived with his Uncle Vint, and Aunt Jesse. I have no idea what happened to Tommy’s parents, but they had raised Tommy from a child.
This took place in the wilds of Florida in the late 1800s.
The family had it rough, as most “crackers” did back then. They lived on a little farm place, and just barely eked out a living.
Uncle Vint was a short, stout man, extremely powerful, but an absolute pleasure to be around…unless you crossed him! He liked to laugh and cut up, but was known far and wide for his work ability, his concern for Aunt Jesse and Tommy, and if he told a man something, it was a done deal.
Aunt Jesse was a thin woman, who looked a little older than her years. It was a tough life they lived, but Aunt Jesse never complained, maybe because, who would have listened if she had. It was fact she loved Uncle Vint, and him her, so what they lacked in many material things, was made up by their care for one another.
Tommy was a little small for nine, but made up for it with toughness, both physical, and mental. He was freckle faced, and blonde-headed with a pretty strong red tint mixed in. Aunt Jesse used to tell him that was from his Momma’s side of the family. He was quiet unless spoken to, and loved his Aunt and Uncle both!
They had just a small orange grove, and this allowed them a few dollars a year from the sale of what little fruit they produced. But what little money they made off their grove, was badly needed, and kept them in sugar and flour, along with what other necessities they might need to get along…one more year!
They grew most everything they ate in a little garden patch back behind their cabin, and just keeping the critters out was a chore in itself. They’d butcher a hog once in a while, or kill a deer, and back then the turkeys and quail were pretty thick too, and both made good meals.
Out the front door was an old long-handled pitcher pump that supplied their drinking water, or any household water needs.
They had a pretty good little creek that ran through their property, and this supplied the water for irrigating their garden and little grove, and kept the livestock in water as well. This creek wound around a mile or two from the home place and flowed into a large lake.
They’d go to the lake once in a while to set some fish traps, or run a trot line or two. Sometimes they’d go back and see an ole’ gator had got into the fish trap after an easy meal, and tore the trap slap up. Same thing with the trot line ever so often, a gator getting on one of those baited hooks and just destroying the trot line.
So you couldn’t leave them out long, or this would happen, so when they’d set em out, most times they’d do it the evening before, then get up the next morning early and go run the lines, or check the traps. By doing this, nine times outta’ ten them ole’ gators wouldn’t have found them that quick.
Well, this is what brings me to my story this morning of Tommy, and his Uncle Vint.
Yesterday afternoon, settin’ the trotlines, Tommy was thinking they might not be doing the right thing by setting them on a Saturday afternoon, but didn’t mention this to Uncle Vint.
Now sometimes discretion is the better part of valor, did I get that right, or’d I mess it up? If that’s not how it goes, let me rephrase it for you. Sometimes it’s better to keep your dern mouth shut, cause at times you’re big mouth will get your rear-end in deep trouble! This was Tommy’s thinking anyway!
But as the story unwinds you’ll soon see, in the next paragraph probably, Tommy had a legitimate concern over his thoughts on this.
Saturday night for Uncle Vint was always looked forward to, not so much by Aunt Jesse or Tommy, but it was quite the occasion for Uncle Vint! It meant a night at the still drinkin’ with his two closest neighbors, Horace Johnson, and Clem Tucker.
Horace was a farmer like Uncle Vint, and had moved down from Georgia over 15 years earlier. It was rumored Horace had killed a man, was the reason he come down, but was only discussed at Uncle Vint’s one time, and this had been brought up by Aunt Jesse.
She’d asked Uncle Vint did he know the reason Horace had killed the man, and Uncle Vint’s only reply was, “Cause he’d been aggravatin’ him.” That was the extent of that.
Now ole Clem Tucker was a complete different breed of a man. All anyone had ever known him to do was run a still. Come to think of it, that’s all any of the whole bunch had ever done as far back as they could remember.
Clem had two brothers, Goozy a big ole’ rawboned man, and Barlow, named after the knife, and he was bad about using one. Goozy and Barlow delivered the shine and collected the monies owed, and was dern good about seeing both were done.
Anyway, Clem made the shine and every Saturday night, Uncle Vint, and Horace would make the 2-1/2 mile trek to sit with Clem, sample the squeezins’, and just shoot the breeze. You see, Saturday night was a big night for Goozy and Barlow too, as it was the biggest night of the week for deliveries to their customers.
This being the case, Clem knew they’d be tied up all night, and this allowed him pretty much the only outside contact he had with anyone, outside his family, and he looked forward to Uncle Vint and Horace’s visits!
I don’t know for sure, but I’d be willing to bet, that as much as he liked to see those two come, if a betting man, I’d put my money on Uncle Vint and Horace enjoying it even more.
At least that would be Tommy and Aunt Jesse’s impression, judging by the singing and laughing of Uncle Vint coming down the last hundred yards or so to the cabin! Whether he truly was or not, by the sound of him anyway…he sure sounded happy!
Uncle Vint’s Declaration
Well, this particular Saturday night, Tommy lay awake thinking about those trotlines they’d set early that afternoon. He was wondering if Uncle Vint would get up time enough to get down to the lake and harvest them fish before a big ole gator found em first.
Normally on Sunday, after a full nights drinking, sometimes it might be noon or so fore Uncle Vint got up, and moving around good. He usually wasn’t his normally spry cheerful self either. This worried Tommy as well, his Uncles temperament at having to run them lines after a full night’s drinking.
Aunt Jessie seemed uneasy also, as she was up later than usual, moving around the house, and Tommy heard her declare loudly, half a dozen times or so, she was gonna’ break this drinking habit up…tonight!
So as Tommy lay there he could feel the tenseness in the air, and by listening to Aunt Jesse, everything was pointing to Uncle Vint having one tough road to hoe tonight, just about the time he pushed open that screen door coming in the house!
It wasn’t two hours later Tommy’s worst fears became a reality. Uncle Vint come through that door just a singing, and Aunt Jesse lit into him like a she panther! She chewed him up one side and down the other! She called him names he’d never heard used before, and ever once in a while, he’d hear glass break!
It was a long night for Tommy, but nothing like the duration of the one Uncle Vint was enduring! Finally Tommy slipped off into a light sleep, but could still hear Aunt Jesse proclaim every so often, “YOU HEAR ME, VINT?”
Well, right at daybreak Uncle Vint was shaking Tommy from his sleep, and telling him to, “Come on boy, we got to go run them lines! If you lay there long, that ole’ gator be done beat us to ‘em, and sat down to him a good breakfast…c’mon boy, get up!”
So Tommy got up, throwed on his clothes, grabbed the little sack of lunch Aunt Jesse handed him as he went out the door. Uncle Vint was already halfway down to the creek, fixing to turn down the little winding trail back to the lake.
Well they hadn’t gone down the trail far when they come up on the old bay tree they always relieved themselves on. This was simply…a ritual, and not one taken lightly. They didn’t want an ole’ oak, pine, sweetgum or persimmon tree, shoot, they didn’t even want another bay tree, they only wanted that one!
Well while they were standing there beside that tree Uncle Vint went to talking.
He told Tommy that normally after a night’s drinking, he’d get home, climb up in the bed and pass out. Well, he explained when he’d do this it’d bout drive his Aunt Jesse crazy. The reason he went on, was that for some reason, after he’d been drinking heavily, he’d get to snoring bad…really, really bad! He couldn’t stop, and Aunt Jesse couldn’t get a wink of sleep.
He continued to explain that he knew Tommy hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. He couldn’t have with all the ruckus Aunt Jesse was causing! He then asked Tommy if he’d heard most all of what went on, and Tommy, told him, yes sir, he had.
Uncle Vint told him he was sorry, and that in reality, Aunt Jesse was right, and he was gonna’ stop going out drinking, wasting his time, and instead start spending it at home with them two like he should.
He went on to tell Tommy that his snoring had started again last night just as soon as Aunt Jesse had quit chewing him out and he fell asleep.
Well, he said, evidently Aunt Jesse had talked with some of her womenfolk friends over this terrible snoring that came over him after drinking, and they advised her in such, and the treatments involved, for such!
With her already being mad at me, then my snoring spell starting soon after, she must have been ready, and as soon as I started, she went right to work.
Her friends had told her quite a while back, that an old wives tale stated, if a man won’t stop snoring by any other means, then the wife was to get some ribbon, and tie it tightly around a man’s thing…snug it up tightly too!
She’d never done it, but had told me about it, and threatened me with it a time or two, but never had seen fit to doing it to me before.
He said last night though, Aunt Jesse did just that, and tied that dern ribbon up, good and tight. Well, evidently that didn’t work right off, as I must have kept right on snoring away. This really made your Aunt mad at me! She was already mad as a settin’ hen, for me coming home drunk again, and this snoring wasn’t helping none either, and that ribbon not even slowing me down!
Your Aunt got so mad at me, she jumped back up, grabbed her another piece of ribbon, and went to wrapping that stuff around my thing as well, only this time, tighter still!
Well, I don’t know what time I got up this morning, he said, but I was so thirsty and my mouth so dry, I couldn’t hardly, stand it. I walked out to the porch, pumped me some good fresh water, throwed some on my face, and drank three or four ladle fulls. Oh, it was so good and refreshing.
Then I walked over to the garden, to see if any critters was out in it, and decided to pee. Well, I was still about half drunk, so I wasn’t sure where I’d even been just a few hours earlier, but I took out my thing and there was two big ole ribbons tied to it, one red and the other blue!
I stood there a minute, trying to think what in the world was them ribbons doing tied to me, and I thought…You know, I don’t even remember where I’d been last night, but I’d sure as hell won first and second prize while I was there!!
I hope you guys enjoyed this this morning. Thanks for coming!
Take care and God Bless!
Dub