Trying To Turn the Page

Hello guys. I sure hope everyone is doing just fine. I’m doing pretty well. Boy it’s tough though. Ole Deb and I were kinda joined at the hip the last 10 years or so, and to be honest…this is quite an adjustment.

I have to state that Deb is in a much better place no doubt, and in my heart, for this, I’m ecstatic. She deserves any and all good that comes her way. She was quite a lady, and looking back now I was so blessed she came into my life.

I knew this already, but since her absence, I truly understand how blessed I actually was.

Fortunately for me, God instilled in me a great sense of humor. Through this, I’ve been able to laugh or throw off many of the challenges in my own life. This is still the case. It is still true in this latest challenge…life without my Deb will probably be the greatest challenge I’ve ever faced.

But…

Just the other night I came down the stairs, I opened up the fridge and took out a gallon of milk. Taking it out, I stood there and contemplated for a moment or two. I then took the jug, placed it to my lips and drank 3-4 good slugs…straight out of the jug.

I looked up skyward and said with a smile…”Deb, how bout them apples,” then had a good laugh. She used to jump my case if I attempted such as that before, and she’d always say, “Dub, get a dern glass!”

I’d pick back at her and tell her that you don’t even drink milk, I’m the only one in the house that does, and she’d fire right back, “That’s not the point, get a glass.”

So, I see that even though she’s not here with me, in my heart I can still get under her skin…I’m sure my antics still can bring a smile to her. I sure hope so anyway.

Although while she was sick the last 10 days or so of her life, I continued our walking regime almost daily. The only times I didn’t were the times I was here with her alone. My juicing I’d stopped altogether but knew the first chance I got that too would be started again in earnest.

This started this past Wed., and I’ll continue this from here on out.

During one of my walks I got to thinking about Deb, and all the things she’d done to make my life complete in so many ways. Juicing was but one example.

We started this in our hopes of building a “super immune system” for her in her fight with that dern cancer, but since day one I’d told her… “I’ll do everything you do, every step of the way,” and, I did.
I realized during that particular walk that my little Deb was in fact going to lose her fight, BUT, that by getting me into juicing, and the exercise routine we had become involved in, she truly, truly, had probably saved my own life.

When Deb was diagnosed, and we started all this, I weighed in at a mere…317 pounds. So as you see, I was just a little feller! Today, I’m down to 259, and want to, no, I’M GOING TO, get down to 225-230.

Why? Well, mainly because of the inspiration she instilled in me through her own work ethic and toughness. She was unbelievable in her conviction. She never doubted she could, and would, conquer this disease.

Sadly for me, yet such a blessing for her, is that although our lives together are done, she now has eternal life.

I told her just prior to her passing that, “Honey, this cancer did not beat you, I know in my heart this is true, it’s just God needs you now and I’ve got to let you go…you’ll always be in my heart!”

Life is becoming a little easier day to day. It’s no cakewalk I assure you, yet I know that Deb herself is helping to ease my pain…she had actually told me she would…and I know this to be true.

I want to share with you guys something this morning that I’ve had some reservations about, but upon giving this much thought, I feel it appropriate to do so. It is an example of my love for Deb, yet it is nothing at all that I know, 100%, that she’d have done for me the EXACT same thing. It is merely an example of two people’s total, unconditional love for one another.

This experience for me was without a doubt, the single most satisfying, most gratifying thing I’ve ever done. The entire process gave me such peace it was almost incomprehensible. I only hope and pray that many more of you can experience this outpouring of love in regards to the loss of a spouse. If you do, you’ll know the feeling I experienced.

Deb was so blessed to have been able to stay in our home during her last days. Without a doubt, I too was blessed for this very same reason. God walked beside her, and smiled on her, right to the very end.

We had been told to call Hospice by her Doctor that she loved and trusted about 10 days before her death. So, we did.

Once they came to the house they’d offered 24-7 care, yet I politely and firmly explained to them that this was not needed…I WAS Hospice in her regard. You guys can come check her, but that’s it…and they did.

I could not for the life of me come to grips with strangers, no matter how well intentioned, taking care of my little Deb. This…was set in stone.

After her passing, I took off her little night clothes, bathed her, then redressed her in a little outfit I knew she liked, and one that I’d always enjoyed seeing her in as well.

Mark (Red), our son had come in and we laid her back down on her pillow, I brushed her hair and I swear…she was so pretty lying there, and it was so evident she was so at peace. What a beautiful sight.
I lay down beside her and held her, ran my fingers through her hair and fell asleep beside her while waiting on the funeral home. How great an experience is that? My God, how blessed we both truly were!

Her passing tore my heart out, but once we’d done all we’d done and saw her at that point…everything came into perspective. Debbie had gone home. A feeling of peace I probably never again will experience came over me…instantly. She was already filling the hole in my heart, just as she’d told me she would…

Anyway…

I have to thank all of you once more in regards to your thoughts, concern, support and prayers for my Deb. They were all well received and appreciated.

So now, I’ll be trying to turn the page, never closing this chapter of my life, just starting again…as Deb wanted me to do.

Hopefully after this coming week I’ll have closure in taking care of all the remaining business still at hand. After that, it’s back to business as usual, back to our gardening, and back to the greenhouse.

I’ve not set foot in our garden or our greenhouse, except just to grab a tomato or something, in probably a month and a half. They have been totally neglected, and although I hate it, I’d not have had it any other way…they were not, THE, priority!

Our friends and neighbors have stopped in and got some, but still much is hitting the ground. This will change directly. I’ve got my work cut out for me, but I’m kinda bitin at the bit to get rolling once again.

Give me just a little time to get all the “loose ends tied up,” and we’ll start back once more talking about gardens, sharing a few recipes, and having a good laugh or two with Dub and Deb in “Ridin Out the Recession!”

God Bless you all and I want you to be sure and keep a smile on your face, and one in your heart! I promise you…she’s watchin us all to see that we do just that!

Dub and Deb