A Few Laughs For Your Weekend

Good morning guys, and how is everyone today? We hope all are well, and ready to take a couple days of leisure. Well, the womenfolk anyway, as if all the rest of you guys are like I am, our leisure time is spent…on “honey-do’s!”

We had a big event at our house last night around 10:00 pm…RAIN! You betcha! I’m not sure how much we had yet since its only 3:40 this morning, but at 10 it was comin down in sheets. It was supposed to come in several times, with most just a good soakin rain, but the first batch was a “toad-strangler!”

Man, we were needin it. We’d just planted a few rows in the garden this past week, and the pastures were bone dry. The weather has been warm enough for the grass to grow, but the problem was that it was just too dry to do anything.

So, we’ve now had rain, but there’s a cool snap right behind it. They’re callin for a 39 in Tampa in the morning, followed by a 37 the following morning. So here at our place we’ll be lookin at mid-30’s or possibly a little cooler. We’re always 4-5 degrees cooler than Tampa proper.

Well, I don’t know about most of you, but Deb and I both like a good laugh. We’re always getting e-mails that are pretty funny, so this morning I thought that we’d share a few of these with ya’ll. It never hurts to laugh, and maybe we can put a smile on a few faces today!

Let’s start off with… “The Perfect Man.” This was sent to us by Bill and Sandy, from Mobile.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths
wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

As soon as ole Deb read this, she turns around, looks at me and says, “THAT sounds just like something you’d do!” Where do these dern women come up with such observations is what I’d like to know!

Our next chuckle comes from Bill and Sandy once more. I believe ALL they do is garden, watch Alabama “Crimson Tide” football, and tell jokes! They’re both nice as can be, and Deb and I both think the world of those two!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken!” she barked, “I dropped you off.”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane replied in her sweetest voice, “I will, Honey, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

This one comes from our “ole buddy,” Roger in Virginia. Roger’s a great guy, and a VERY firm believer in our Constitution and the freedoms and liberties it provides for us all! Evidently he’s a great cook, AND…the guy can sew! Sorry Rajah…I couldn’t resist! LOL!

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi , and he needed a loan, so…he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

This next one comes from…Bill and Sandy!!

A Sharing Marriage…

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He un-wrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered… “THE TEETH.”

We’ll close today with a video sent to us by Roger….

You guys have a great day, and God Bless! Deb says to keep a smile on your face, and one in your heart!

Dub and Deb

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