Ridin out the Recession » stories

You Just Gotta Laugh Some

admin — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 00:29:37 +0000

Hello! How are you guys today? We sure hope all’s well, and everyone is doing just fine! Deb and I are both feelin great, and looking forward to each day that comes our way! Life is good, isn’t it? You betcha!

You know, in life you have good days and then scattered throughout life you have days that sometimes just aren’t so good. One thing Deb and I have learned through the years is that most times…life is what you make it.

After her diagnosis with cancer last April Fool’s Day, I asked her was there anything that she’d like to do, anywhere she’d like to go…basically, “WHAT can I do to help? Her answer… “Nothing. I want to spend as much time as I can with the kids and grandkids, BUT, I want you to keep me laughing!” I have.

By the way, ole Deb is doing absolutely fantastic! I don’t believe she’s ever been healthier in her entire life, honestly.

So, in that spirit this morning, let’s forget about our troubles for a few minutes and have us a laugh or two! You gotta laugh, my friends. It truly is, “the best medicine!”

This first laugh comes from our sister-in-law, Patty, my brother’s wife. She’s a card herself, and Patty likes to laugh and cut up as much as we do…

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh….

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

The next comes from a good friend of ours in Live Oak. His name is Dick, and we’ve known him for years. Dick used to be our old banker many, many moons ago. He’s getting on up in age. He told me a while back that when younger, he’d run for political office. I asked him if when he ran, we were still part of the original 13 colonies? I think it went over his head…but I got a chuckle out of it!

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card

bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at

me, saying I am stealing his money. He says he pays the minimum and lets

our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the

interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors

that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch,

to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills

even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with

Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and

the next he’s with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that

before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty

oath. It’s just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,

Lost

Dear Lost,

Stop whining, Michelle. You’re getting to live in the White House for free,

travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can

divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot

for another year!

Signed,

Abby

Our next, comes from our good friend Diane. Diane is from Virginia, and once more, I believe she’s a real “sport-model!”

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

Not tryin to start nothing this morning, but I only have just a short statement on that one…typical woman!!

This next photograph comes from that couple of “wild-childs” out of Mobile, Alabama, who both by the way…are 100%, die-hard, Florida Gator fans!! Ain’t that right Bill? Hey Bill, speak up buddy!! Sandi, you there?? LOL!!

Bill and Sandi did send this. It’s in reference to the Italian cruise ship that ran aground…

Footwear of Choice for an

Then we have our ole buddy Roger, who you NEVER know what he might be sendin ya! It could be from one end of the spectrum clear to the other end, on any number of different subjects!

Today he touches on the animal rights group…PETA. I believe he’s defining to us the words…behind the letters!!

P E T A…P-eople E-ating T-asty A-nimals

Well, that’s Roger, AND, I thought it was funny too! Good one Ra-ja!

Speakin of Roger, let’s close out today with one more from Roger…the Italian Funeral!

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about
200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. She didn’t survive either.”

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied, “Get in line.”

You guys have a great day, and God Bless! As always, the Missus says to keep a smile on your face, and one in your heart!

Dub and Deb

A Few Laughs For Your Weekend

admin — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 09:29:28 +0000

Good morning guys, and how is everyone today? We hope all are well, and ready to take a couple days of leisure. Well, the womenfolk anyway, as if all the rest of you guys are like I am, our leisure time is spent…on “honey-do’s!”

We had a big event at our house last night around 10:00 pm…RAIN! You betcha! I’m not sure how much we had yet since its only 3:40 this morning, but at 10 it was comin down in sheets. It was supposed to come in several times, with most just a good soakin rain, but the first batch was a “toad-strangler!”

Man, we were needin it. We’d just planted a few rows in the garden this past week, and the pastures were bone dry. The weather has been warm enough for the grass to grow, but the problem was that it was just too dry to do anything.

So, we’ve now had rain, but there’s a cool snap right behind it. They’re callin for a 39 in Tampa in the morning, followed by a 37 the following morning. So here at our place we’ll be lookin at mid-30’s or possibly a little cooler. We’re always 4-5 degrees cooler than Tampa proper.

Well, I don’t know about most of you, but Deb and I both like a good laugh. We’re always getting e-mails that are pretty funny, so this morning I thought that we’d share a few of these with ya’ll. It never hurts to laugh, and maybe we can put a smile on a few faces today!

Let’s start off with… “The Perfect Man.” This was sent to us by Bill and Sandy, from Mobile.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for
it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths
wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

As soon as ole Deb read this, she turns around, looks at me and says, “THAT sounds just like something you’d do!” Where do these dern women come up with such observations is what I’d like to know!

Our next chuckle comes from Bill and Sandy once more. I believe ALL they do is garden, watch Alabama “Crimson Tide” football, and tell jokes! They’re both nice as can be, and Deb and I both think the world of those two!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken!” she barked, “I dropped you off.”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane replied in her sweetest voice, “I will, Honey, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

This one comes from our “ole buddy,” Roger in Virginia. Roger’s a great guy, and a VERY firm believer in our Constitution and the freedoms and liberties it provides for us all! Evidently he’s a great cook, AND…the guy can sew! Sorry Rajah…I couldn’t resist! LOL!

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi , and he needed a loan, so…he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

This next one comes from…Bill and Sandy!!

A Sharing Marriage…

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He un-wrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered… “THE TEETH.”

We’ll close today with a video sent to us by Roger….

You guys have a great day, and God Bless! Deb says to keep a smile on your face, and one in your heart!

Dub and Deb

The Word, “EXCITIN”…it just ain’t what it used to be…

admin — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:19:37 +0000

Well good morning, how is everyone? I don’t know what the problem might have been, but for some reason or other I had to have an extra cup of coffee to “get motivated” this morning.

I wish I could report to you guys it was on account of Deb keeping me up to all hours of the night, and sometimes she does. I mean, just the other night I sat up with her for quite some time…she wanted to talk…and talk…and TALK!

Shoot, by the time she finally dozed off to sleep…it was dern near 9:30!!Yeah…AT NIGHT! Believe that?

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have to get my sleep. Two or three nights in a row of keeping those kind of hours, and that really puts a strain on a “workin man!” LOL!

I gotta tell you though. Around here anymore the word exciting has taken on a WHOLE different meaning! Let me see…I’m tryin to come up with an example or two, to show you what I’m talking about. Hmmmmm…

Well, ah, Dale came to work last week, and was on time TWO of those days. That was kinda exciting.

Then, Deb went to the mall last week, with her and RED together, I was REALLY sweatin that one! She picked up a jacket, 3 or 4 sweaters, I think a dern bra or two and I’m POSITIVE they stopped somewhere for lunch.

Now she only spent about a hundred and a half, so between us…I was very, very happy with that amount! Almost…EXCITED!

Ole Red gets in the truck with her, “goin to town,” normally I’m in trouble! So I really was excited that was all those two spent!

BUT…I think…they think…they’d pulled the wool over my eyes, because while Deb and I were sitting in the swing talking, I saw Red coming out from behind the truck with Cheyenne and Susie, our two dogs. OOPS, I’m sorry, Susie IS a dog, BUT, Cheyenne is “our little girl!” She’d be ticked to no end if she heard me referring to her as…“A DOG!”

The point with Red coming out behind the truck with our dog and “little girl,” is simply he had an empty paper sack in his hand…the kind you might pack someone’s lunch in. You getting the picture here?

Upon seeing that sack in Red’s hand, I asked them where the two liter was? He and Deb looked at each other, and then Deb says, “Oh, it’s still in the truck…we FORGOT! Yeah, that’s what she told me, “they’d forgot,” to take it out of the truck. Well, that excited me too…in a different kinda way!

The reason, well, it’s simple. Before they left for the mall, I explained to them that there was no need to stop, eat lunch, and spend that money. Go on, shop and get what you need, no problem.

As for lunch, well, I got you and Red covered. I made you guy’s two, half baloney sandwiches apiece with mustard, and put a two liter of coke in the sack too, along with a plastic cup…ya’ll can just share that. Really, coke ain’t half bad “lukewarm,” and I don’t believe it’s supposed to get out of the seventies today though, so that coke outta be just fine! At least that WAS the plan!

I can’t prove it, BUT, I guarantee you they tossed those baloney sandwiches, stopped, eat lunch somewhere, and then back to the house. Once here, they’re telling me that the baloney WAS so good, and just how proud they are of me for tryin to look after them like I do!

I’m like, “Okay, you ate the sandwiches, I believe you. SO, why didn’t you drink any of the two liter?” Their answer??

“We just weren’t thirsty!!” Yep, that’s what they told me…”we weren’t thirsty!” They’d eaten TWO, half baloney sandwiches, yet weren’t thirsty…go figure!

You gotta watch those two by themselves, but TOGETHER, good gracious, they’ll get you if you aint careful! So, by my JUST being around those two, I guess you could describe my life… as exciting!

They won’t try to pull the wool over my eyes again for a while, so next time they go, I’ll pack em a lunch they’ll REALLY like…potted meat! That’ll teach em who “butters their toast!”

So as you guys can plainly see…the word “exciting” really just ain’t what it used to be, say like when you’re 25 or so. Exciting back then to me, was a whole nother ball game…wouldn’t you agree?

BUT, this word does still have its moments. You want a good example of this…alright!

Our website.

Since we started doing this site, we have met so many wonderful people. It has been overwhelming to Deb and I, the amount of feedback through shared information and knowledge, concern and prayers, the laughs and jokes we’ve shared, the stories we’ve told or been told, the recipes, or just good, common advice you guys share with us.

Through your response and involvement, we’ve learned so much about people and the goodness in your hearts. This has been one of the most pleasurable experiences Deb and I have ever been involved in. You guys have been just great.

So with that being said, let me express our sincere thanks for all your support and love shown our way, through this site. You all have brought a lot of joy into our lives, and we consider ourselves very lucky to call many of you anymore…our friends! Many of you even becoming extended members of our family.

So, let me wind up this part of today’s story by telling you guys…thanks! Thanks for continuing to make an old man’s life… “EXCITIN!!”

Now, how bout a joke or two.

The first two come from our Virginia buddy, Roger, once again. The third comes from Washington State, and our friend Edith. Thank you guys for sending them to us!!

Bad Parrot:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude, and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Bear Removal:

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

The Bear remover declares, “If the bear knocks me off the roof, for God’s sake, SHOOT THE DOG!”

The Brain Transplant:

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

“The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain…”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

“Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”

Edith also sent Deb and I a video we thought was really cute! We’d talked about a “bear remover” a little earlier, and this video is of a bear and her two cubs…check it out!

One more funny saying before we get outta here today. This one comes from Diane.

“A lion will not cheat on his wife…but a Tiger Wood!”

You guys have a great day, and God Bless. As Deb says, keep a smile on your face, and one in your heart!

Dub and Deb